I hate being told what to eat
Being told what to eat never sat well with me.
I have had this same reaction since I was a teen, where diets were already very popular. I remember reading in disbelief:
Tuesday Morning: 3 wheat crackers and one egg. Black coffee or tea.
Whaaaaat? was always internally my response. It always rubbed me the wrong way to have to conform to a predetermined way of eating that does not take into account or honor my individuality. So I never followed any for long.
Yet it intrigued me. In this way, emotional eating was already captivating my attention since my teen years. If a rigid recipe about what we should eat and when was out of the question, then what were some other avenues?
The paradox underlying emotional eating led me, many years later, to work in this fascinating field with wonderful people who just want to get their control back. Their lives back. The experience of not being in control of our own bodies and actions can be SO debilitating.
Looking at ourselves in the mirror and not liking what we see due to emotional eating is a place I want no one to be in. And I tell you why.
It is a lonely place. Because we usually do not share fully our struggles with food.
It is often a shameful place, which further alienates us from others, even loved ones.
It is a vulnerable place.
It is a place often fraught with shame and regret.
It is a place that it is hard to find our way out from, as restriction seems to be, or so we are told, the way to go. After all, logically it would make sense that restricting our eating should solve the problem. But we know it doesn’t. Why it doesn”t? Because it is very hard to sustain for the rest of your life a rigid way of eating that is governed or dictated from “the outside.”
We know the stakes are high. We know that emotional eating, if left unattended, can have a profound impact not only on our body but on our emotional well-being.
What I learned about what is NOT the answer
The answer is complex. However, there are a few things I learned over the years that are relevant about what is NOT the answer:
- Pushing through is not the long-term answer. Most of us may be able to follow a diet for a few days, weeks or even months. But the answer is not pushing through forever. Finding a balance that works for us physically and emotionally in regards to eating is sustainable and possible. When we work that out for ourselves then there is less energy tied to food, less stress and anxiety around the next meal.
- Living with a desire to eat more or with hunger is not the answer either. Dealing very frequently with intense cravings and/or triggers point us to the idea that there is work that could be done in our relationship with food, so that craving and triggers have less of an impact on us—and finally they become less severe, less frequent, less overwhelming.
- Going through cycles of “being good” (as people call it) and then at some point inevitably not being able to maintain that “goodness” any longer is not the path we want either. As I have shared before, deprivation only fuels our desire and sense of urgency to go to the other extreme, overindulgence. We all know what happens then. A lot of negative emotion, shame, guilt, regret and feeling we are back at square one.
I have to share that, personally, I have a reaction to the words "being good.” I think most of us would agree that our goodness does not depend at all on how we eat, right? ☺️
Would you like a mini-structured path for your work in this area?
Download my free workbook! In this workbook, you’ll have the opportunity to:
Become more aware of your triggers and their sources
Feel more clarity about your inner world in what respects to food
Be less on automatic pilot
Be more intentional in all what relates to decisions about food
A path out of emotional eating
I believe the answer lies more in a path in which we can:
Bring awareness to the act of eating and all the thoughts and feelings that come up for us surrounding that. This is key.
Every time you have the urge to eat (that is not triggered by actual hunger), take just a brief moment to check in with yourself about how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what has just gone through your mind. And if nothing comes to mind, that is ok. This takes practice. Embrace anything that comes up. Name it for yourself. Like, I really want to go and eat now. I realize I am feeling frustrated at my work and feeling unappreciated. Eating something will give me a sense of comfort and likely will make me feel better.
We all probably experience a version of this experience, with different triggers and different emotions that come up. It may be sadness at a loss or the overwhelm that so many of us experience on a daily basis. The invitation is to slow the process down. Become in touch with the feelings and thoughts that are underneath the urge to it. Make a note of that. Then make a conscious decision if what you want to do is eat. If the answer is yes, there is no problem with that.
What can I add to my plate that will bring some comfort?
Think about what you would like to include in the most beautiful plate you have at home. The invitation is to give eating its space. Try to sit down while you eat and savor every bite of what you consciously decided to eat. Can you add anything to this snack that would help with a comfortable feeling of being satiated and not be detrimental to how you feel in a few hours? Do you have a favorite tea that in sipping provides some comfort? Are you a coffee person who feel uplifted by a warm cup of coffee? Is a smoothie something that you find yummy? I am not saying to replace what you want to eat with any of this choices. I am inviting you to consider additional options to add to your special moment in which you will be nourishing yourself. The emotional state in which we eat has a lot to do with the emotions that will later be triggered by our eating.
The joy of choosing what to eat
I love the freedom to choose. I trust that both you and I can make choices aligned with our health/ emotional goals most of the time.
Good enough, right? It does not have to be perfect. Good enough is just fine, as Donald Winnicott, the British pediatrician and psychoanalyst reminds us. He coined the term applied to parenting, especially mothers, yet here I am using it broadly. Good enough as a standard. Seems to be the opposite of perfectionism. Being perfect with regard to food (or anything really) is not an option. So striving for it only leaves us drained, exhausted, and feeling often like we failed, again.
So that is the invitation. To look at our relationship with food with fresh eyes. To treat yourself with kindness and compassion. To become even more aware. To make space. To look for the answers that work for you – with the knowing that you do not need to do this alone and that there is help available to support you on this path.
Emotional eating can feel like a temporary escape from intense emotions, but it also silences our true voice. Our true, genuine thoughts and feelings go dormant for a bit (only for a bit) while we digest the food and food effectively “took the edge off” of an intense or uncomfortable emotional state.
Here's to embracing choice, cultivating awareness, and finding freedom in our relationship with food and emotions,
Claudia